fairytale ended.

the feeling of skipping 2 lectures this morning is just fantastic! the bar list was out, so i dont have to worry too much. but the main reason is that

i cant wake up this morning. i was so tired after what happened yesterday.

but tomoro, we'll attend the lecture at 12pm. i'll wake up, definitely.

while sleeping this afternoon, i had a dream. i remembered my lecturer, Mr. Yusof said before. "When you had weird dreams, or dreams which is negative, dont tell it to other people. Just keep it to yourself, and pray to God that it will not happen." but for me, in this dream, i had to tell, and at the same time i will pray to God that it will not be true.

i dream that me and my family were walking in a street. suddenly there was a little earthquake. and then solid-black smoke coming towards our way in the sky. i told my family to run as fast as we can. i was holding my youngest sister, irene's hand. we ran towards a row of shops in front, we went in. the smoke passed, and some managed to get into the shop that we were hiding. i coughed and coughed as i breathed in the smoke. my sisters too. and the smoke disappear.

second earthquake happens. this time, harder. we decided to hide deeper inside the shop. i searched for plastic bags for me and my sisters to breath in later, in case the smoke managed to come in. and it did. the smoke was more aggressive. after everything happened, the firemen came for us. i left my phone in the shop. i rushed in for it. the firemen stopped me by grabbing my arms. i yelled at them saying, "I have to call my boyfriend!" when i reached for my phone, i dialled your number. and say, "baby? are u alright? im safe. love you.." and i woke up.

i dont know what the dream means to me. but he's right. i have to learn to be independent from now on. eventhough there's no one sending "good night.. love you.." messages, i have to get used to it. it was hard. no one to hug when im watching movie. no one to tease around with. no one to kiss my forehead anymore. without all these minor stuffs, i guess i just cant move one. but i know, i have to.

deleting all of your pictures, numbers or other communication ways will just temporary make me calm, but i know i'll regret doing it. what else i can do? nothing. just sit here and think bout you? yes im doing it all the time when im alone. trying to make myself buzy will also temporary distract me, but at the end of the day, i'll still cry.

im trying to be tough, eventhough i know that im not. if you really know me, you should know how i feel now.

i promise her that i wont cry for you anymore. but i just cant keep the promise. sorry elaine. i just cant help it, i just have to cry. but dont worry bout me k? im okay..

that's the end.

God, help me to go through this please..